No Matter What

“With an age old love I have loved you, so I have kept my mercy towards you. “ Jeremiah 31:3

“…It was because the Lord loved you…” Deuteronomy 7:6-8

I am reminded today that there is nothing I can do to earn the Father’s Love. This is both reassuring and unsettling. Unsettling because there is nothing I can do. It doesn’t matter how much I do or strive to impress him. It doesn’t matter. He loves me! Does that also mean that there is nothing I can do to make him take that love away? Yes, in reflecting in Scripture and in my life, I think that is also true. This is astounding and humbling, really. While I don’t want to try to make him not love me, although, I end up messing up anyway, I do find myself wanting to make him see me and see how important I am. It is a difficult concept to grasp, unconditional love. I find myself resisting.  From a human perspective, I find it hard to understand how I can be loved because of his love. It is so simple but so hard. Surely, there has to be a catch.

As I reflect, I come to a deeper and another unsettling thought. My resistance probably means that I’m not as accepting of his love as I’d like to be, and I probably am not as loving as I think. I’m not sure that I love everyone without strings attached. It’s easy when things are great, but when things get tough or don’t go my way, I’m like child yelling, “This is not fair! I deserve better!” How quickly, I forget how faulty I really am when I feel like a victim.

How can I love others? Just love no matter what they say or do? I realize more and more that I cannot. However, our Father does and can. He is so way more capable of loving. Because he loves, we are made in his image, in love…out of love…to love; we are loved, are forgiven, loveable, and cared for. This love is unimaginable, unearnable, and unbelievable, but it is beyond our imagining, offered, and very real. Love is not a concept; it is a Person sent to die for us from a Father who’s gaze and embrace are unending.

Since there is nothing I can do to earn his love, and he is love, I surrender to the fact that I need him. I need to accept his love and mercy. However, in doing so, I put myself in a very interesting position. It changes things from “Because the Lord loved you…,” to “Because the Lord has loved me, I love you.” I grow in the vision to see the Lord present and loving in my brothers and sisters. I can grow in the grace to say “I love you” and mean it. Because the Lord has been merciful to me, I can be merciful to others.  And, in the words of Blessed Mother Teresa “Love anyway.”

I thank and praise the Lord for this immense love and my prayer is that I can see with his eyes and somehow learn to be as merciful and loving to my brothers and sisters, not because they deserve it, not because they’ve earned it, but because the Lord has loved me and kept his mercy towards me and that's a Gift. May we all accept this Gift and share it with each other!

Take my hand

I'll lead you to salvation

Take my love

For love is everlasting

And remember

The truth that once was spoken

To love another person

Is to see the face of God

From Les Miserables “Epilogue”

Who is this King?

Preparing for Easter offers a beautiful time to ponder the love of Our Father. For, it is in the Body of His Son that He cloaks Himself in skin and comes  among us to dwell, so that He could one day dwell within us.

 

Holy Week is a bittersweet clip of time and space that shows our relationship with the Father, through the actions and words of the Son. I think it is a microstory of the story of God loving and reaching out to His people and the Father desiring to make us His own. This microstory consists of His invitation and our response shown in a short week, but in reality, it is a dance that takes a lifetime to learn.

 

From the Hosanna of Palm Sunday to the magnificent glory of Easter Sunday, each interaction Christ has with His disciples speaks to our interactions with Him, our relationship. As Christ is welcomed riding on a donkey with palm fronds being tossed at Him and people singing the arrival of their triumphant King, I think we, too, are challenged to look at our expectations of Who this Mysterious Wonderworker is. What type of King is He to us? A great king with mighty power? A military kind of king with a mastermind that could defeat any army? If we let Him reign in our lives, will He fix everything that is wrong?

 

At the Last Supper, the relationship becomes more complex. The King who came riding in on a donkey, shares of Himself in ways like that of no other. He literally shares of Himself in 2 ways: in giving of His Body and Blood and in humility by washing His disciples' feet. With both He commands , "do likewise." Since this happens in the same meal, I think He is telling us that they are connected. He gives us the Gift of Himself in order for us to make gifts of ourselves.

 

This is also the same meal that he reveals who will betray Him and who will deny Him. A king with earthly power would not stand for any type of betrayal or denial. He would've done away with anyone who would not give him honor he was due, but Jesus doesn't stop either man allowing them freedom. The one who had been a betrayer the entire time, ends his own life finding himself unforgivable and Jesus' mercy unbelievable. The other is humbled but sees that he is not beyond the mercy of Christ, and although broken, finds healing and learns that Christ has a special place in building His Kingdom even for him. He is indeed a different kind of king.

 

What can we gather from this? For me, what is amazing...it's that following Christ is about a relationship of love, not just king and subject. He wants to dwell with us, share meals and talk about what is going on in life. Two: it is not easy to follow Him, especially when I am selfish or His will is not on my agenda. Many times, I haven't allowed Christ to be present to me, so how can I be a loving presence to others? Also, I see myself in both Judas and Peter, finding myself betraying and deny Christ with my sins; sometimes, I only see the bad that I've done and the shame gets me down. But, thankfully, Christ's mercy is never ending, and I can be renewed through the Eucharist and Reconciliation...because it's about relationship.

 

However, this love story is not over. Christ gave Himself in Body and Blood at the Last Supper, but His Body has yet to be broken and the Blood yet to be poured out.

A Lesson in Love

Valentine’s Day is coming and for about a month now, stores and commercials have been giving us ideas about how to show those who are special to us how much we love them. Houses and classrooms are decorated with red and pink hearts. With all of this love in the air, there must be a lot of love in our hearts, right? It probably depends on what one means by love.

When you say, “I love you.” What do you mean? This is something that I’ve been sitting with for some time. By having only one word for love, I think the English language has done a disservice to us. So, love can be the word that is placed between a subject and an object to designate strong or happy feelings…I love my car; I love the color yellow; I love you.

So, what does the sentence, “I love you” mean? You make me feel good? You’re hot? You make me laugh? I want what is best for you? 

The answer is so subjective, one might say. However, let’s think of this using an example, like, being a sibling. Do your brothers and sisters always make you feel good? Probably not. Do you think they’re hot? Awkward. Let’s say no. Do they always make you laugh? Maybe. Do you want what is the best for them? Of all the answers, that seems to be the most probable because no matter what happens between you and your siblings, you want what is best for them.

Additionally, the first three are rather self-serving. This tells us something else about love. Love is about the other person, not ourselves. Think about a mother giving birth. When she looks into her newborn eyes, she’s not thinking that she feels good…because she doesn’t. And, her child hasn’t had the chance to do anything for her except give her cravings and heartburn, so it can’t have anything to do with what the baby has done for the mother. A mother’s love comes from the care and concern she has for her baby. This is proven by the 9 months of sacrificing what she would like to eat or do for what is best for the health of her baby.

Speaking of mothers, a great mother who can teach us about love is Mary, the Mother of God. This is shown in several Scripture passages, but one that sticks out to me is the Presentation. Mary and Joseph are presenting Jesus according to Jewish law, and they are met by an elderly man, Simeon, who knows a lot about them and their Special Baby. He tells Mary that Jesus will be rejected by some and that a sword will pierce her own heart. This is rather sobering. A sword in the heart is painful. Period.

Mary teaches us so much with such grace. She has already, without knowing everything, said yes to carrying this Baby risking scandal and ridicule. Then, at this point, she hears the last thing a mother wants to hear about her son. Still, not quite understanding, yet knowing that this path will involve pain, she says yes. “I will go through this. I will not abandon Jesus, and I choose to abandon myself to God’s Will.” She loves her Son and He needs a mother to raise Him. God has asked her to do this, and out of love for Him, her Son, and us (The people He came for; people she had yet to know…Mary even loved us enough to make this sacrifice.) Through this, she shows us how to love in that she lived allowing God to love through her. Later on, she exemplifies unconditional love again by accompanying Jesus during His torture and Crucifixion.

How could Mary proceed with raising Jesus knowing that He wouldn’t be accepted and that she would be caused pain? How did she not run away from this? Love. Real. Pure Love. The power of God had to be radiating through her to allow her to move forward in love and strength.

So, what could God be teaching us through Mary? Love involves sacrifice of our own dreams or desires. Part of the Presentation is Mary offering Jesus back to God. In doing this, she offers her very heart to Him as well. Love is a choice. She chose to follow God, to walk with her Son on His path, to be His mother.

What does this mean for us? We are called to love in this way. If God is our Father, then those people that we work with, sit next to on the bus, those who annoy us, and those who live in ways that we disagree with are all our brothers and sisters.  Love is a choice. We choose to love, to hate, or to be indifferent. It is a choice we must make everyday. What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day? Nothing. Unless you hand out a Valentine to everyone you meet. Ironically, those who need love the most are the last ones who need a stuffed teddy bear and a box of chocolates. Gifts are not bad, but the best gift we can give someone else is our love.

The amazing thing is that we have a Father who knows Love and offers Himself completely. He has an enormous capacity for love that can stretch our hearts to really look our brothers and sisters and say “I love you!” All the while prayerfully asking, “Father, show me how to love them like you do and, then, give me the grace to do it.”

Cooperating with Grace

Recently, I had to undergo an endoscopy because of chest pain I was experiencing. In discussion afterwards, the specialist explained that there was a great deal of inflammation present in my esophagus causing it to constrict, so she had to stretch my esophagus. She prescribed a liquid to take in order to coat my esophagus and another to help reduce acid production.

In the following days, to my disappointment, I still had pain, even worse than before. One day, as I took my GERD medicine, I noticed that it had a sticker that read, “Not for immediate relief.” It was then that I realized that even though the doctor had found an issue and been able to do something about it, the damage had been done. Damage that would take time to heal by taking the medicine and watching what I eat, every day, little by little.

And, so it is with us and sin. Within each of us, over time, due to various decisions or life events, certain sins can build up and become an issue. Sometimes, this is due to a root sin that has been allowed in over time. This root sin can become part of our daily habits, cloud our vision and our thinking, and affect the way we treat others. Whichever sin it is, it can take over, subtly, until eventually; it rears its ugly head (which I think can be a gift; I’ll explain in a bit) and must be dealt with.

You can fill in the blank with your personal issue(s). For me, it is pride. It gets me every time. For some time now, the Father has been working on this within me. Like a good Physician, he’s diagnosed the problem, brought it to my attention, and has offered medication. So, why oh why, must I still struggle with pride?

I think it’s similar to my esophagus issue: the damage has been done. There is heart burn on my soul. My thoughts and heart are used to things being a certain way. Why doesn’t he just take it away? Then, I would be happy and free! Well, not exactly. If he took sin away, then we would not be able to choose freely.  It took time to get here; it’s going to take time to heal. So, how does this happen? I have to take my medicine and, literally, swallow my pride by practicing humility every day. EVERY DAY, I have to take the medicine that is not for immediate relief because it’s become almost ‘natural’ for me be automatically prideful in my reactions, thoughts, and words. These habits must be reordered.

It is a gift when our Father brings issues up within us. No, it doesn’t always feel like it. Actually, it can be painful. But, it is such a beautiful thing! If he didn’t, it would mean that he didn’t care, and that is so not true. He wants to spend eternity with us and utilize us to share his love with others while we are here on earth. We cannot do that when sin clouds our view and makes us look at ourselves instead of others in need or at him. Indeed, it is through his grace that he shows us what is going on and offers us the opportunity to heal and overcome sin. I say ‘opportunity’ because that’s what it is. He will not force it, but if we want what he wants and to follow him, then we must strive for holiness. Through grace, he extends his hand and allows us the freedom to accept it. Then, through grace, we cooperate in the process. He points out the sin or issue, mercifully offers forgiveness, and then stretches us through situations that could trigger something in us, but are meant to actually allow us to practice living virtuously. We choose, then, what to do at that point.

AND, since our Father offers us so much during this time, we are given cause to thank and praise him because he is the Father who loves MUCH, unconditionally, and is the Father of second chances. In those times that I don’t feel like praising, I try to offer it as a sacrifice until I fully realize (or at least see better) what glorious things he has done.

Over time, my esophagus will heal. Before then, there will be pain and it may even need to be stretched again. One day, pride will not be so much a part of me, and I will be living more closely according to who I was created to be. Until then, there will be struggle and pain, but I, through humility, allow him to grow me, beg his forgiveness and ask for his grace and wisdom to continually, every day, guide me in practicing to be holy.

Trusting in the Slow Work of God

Yesterday during a walk on retreat, I was reflecting on leaves. They have a season of changing. Wind, storms, rain, and birds come and knock into them, bit if they stay, and it can’t be easy to hang on, they continue changing color. Even though this indicates death, the more they change, the more beautiful they become.

If Christ is the vine and we are the branches, then we, too, must have seasons of change. Our ‘leaves’ must change, fall off, and die. I think the change in color: deeper purple, red, orange, is the Father’s Love, that is Christ’s blood, flowing more so to us, indicating that when we are in the most pain, he is there all the more.

Seasons have cycles, so this changing takes place over and over again, meaning, that Christ is still connected to us and our lives are bearing fruit for him. Each time our leaves change, it is a shedding of ourselves, which is painful and scary, but with Christ as our trunk, he will have a steady hold on us on through to the time that we are bare.

We cannot force the change or speed it up. We can’t stop it. We can; however, allow it to stretch us, or we we can cut ourselves off of the Source of life, which would be a greater, even sadder death. So, it seems that it’s best that we hang on during this time and let this shedding happen. We cannot be sure of what lies ahead, but we can be sure that there will be new leaves, a new springtime of the Father’s Love and a Resurrection will take place within us revealing new leaves and a new layer of self revealed to show and receive his love in a whole new way.

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time

Don’t try to force them on...

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

Teilhard de Chardin

Our Father Indeed

Throughout my life, I would say that Jesus and I were pretty close…at times more so than others. But, just a couple of years ago I received the beautiful gift of realizing a tangible relationship with God, the Father.

Before that, I had a divided, broken heart. I had been in physical pain, suffered from anxiety, and a mysterious, undiagnosed illness for many years but specifically for 8 years. I went to several doctors and through countless tests and various medications, only to find myself a little better for a bit and then getting sick again. This all affected my marriage, my social life, and my spiritual life. I went through times of strength and times of crying and begging for answer.

My heart was divided because I knew God was there. He was answering prayers for and guiding me in so many ways. However, when it came to my health…there was nothing. It was a huge rift between God and me because I felt he was neglecting a huge part of me. I just couldn’t give myself over to him entirely. Did he even care?

Then, one day I was crying in desperation in the Chapel in front of the Monstrance. Through prayer, I sensed that Jesus was asking me if I trusted him. Of course…would I be here if I didn’t?! I actually heard him ask this three times. Nothing else, just if I trusted him. After some reflection, two things came to mind…1. I loved Jesus, but did I trust him? Love and trust are connected. If he was loveable, then he was trustworthy…with all of my life. 2. This was an opportunity for a new relationship with God.

And, indeed, it was. As I kept reaching for God, I connected my suffering with Christ’s, drawing strength, but it was as if he was leading me to God, the Father, saying, you can trust my Father. He loves you. So, Jesus very definitely introduced me to his Father. I came across Scripture like, “I can count the hairs on your head” and “I know the plans I have for you. Plans for hope and not for woe.” They really spoke to me as a Father who wanted to get to know me. This happened for some time while I still prayed for healing…with a little bit more hope.

After a couple of years, (this was 2011) I was in the ER after a sleepless night of pain. In the follow-up with my doctor, she explained how everything had been done…scopes, scans, biopsies, etc. There was something else for us to consider. I took it to heart and went home. A few days later, I was at our Bible Study for college students where my friend was leading us in reflection on a Scripture passage about Jesus coming to the shore feeling pity for and healing those who were sick. While he read it 3 times, I clearly heard, “I will heal you.” I was stunned! I had never heard anything about healing. Ever! I took this to prayer at my friend’s urging, and decided to take a literal path by looking into the thought my doctor had mentioned. I found a couple of sites and the symptoms matched. So, I prayed for a doctor. When I clicked on specialists, there was one in my area. So, I prayed for guidance that if this was the doctor to see, I would be a candidate and see him. I prepared my file and mailed it in.

Three weeks later, I had an appointment. Within 10 minutes, the doctor knew exactly what was going on and how to fix it. “You’ve been in pain for too many years. Let’s fix this.” I think that was the first time that I felt the Father’s embrace. Leaving that office, it was like he was holding me close and saying, “I’m here. It’s going to be ok.” Three weeks after that, I had surgery. It was several hours long and I had to stay overnight. Once I got home, my husband explained to me what they did and showed me photos. I lost it. It hit me. He really heard me and did what he said he would do! I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief and love. Within just a few months of hearing those words I WILL HEAL YOU, I no longer had pain and was completely free of anxiety. I was in his arms!

It was an incredible experience of being embraced by immense love. For me, He was my Father and I was his little girl and my Daddy was making everything ok. More incredible than the physical healing was the healing of my heart. The Father does love me and I can trust him, too! He was there all along. I just had to let him heal me in his time and his way. My life is not perfect, but this new relationship and this beautiful gift of faith that he had given me has completely changed my life and the way I view the world and people around me.

 

Once I was asked that if I could only use one sentence in order to communicate to everyone and only one sentence, what would it be? Here it is: Our Father adores you, is faithful, and will do anything to get you to know that.