My Shepherd Indeed

In prayer this morning I come across, “The Lord is my Shepherd; there is nothing I shall want.” This normally peaceful verse doesn’t bring peace but brings up sadness, frustration, and even doubt. It hits my heart very differently today. “Is that true?” I ask myself. “Do I really believe that?” After I sit with this verse some more, I realize that the doubt comes today because while I have been blessed, I find myself wondering where He will lead me. Will I want to go there? What will the journey be like? I don’t particularly like some parts of my life right now…partly because of my own choices, partly because of His leading. He’s lead me to walk away and leave things behind, despite my feelings or what’s in my heart, so I’m hesitant to trust Him and kind of feel stuck.

“There is nothing shall I want…” I want to want this to be true. I want to be able to say to the Lord, “You are all I want. You are enough. I only want to do your will; I don’t want anything or anyone else.” However, I do want. I want things to be different in my life, in the lives of loved ones, and in some relationships. I want to go back in time and change things, say things differently, and stop things from happening. The regret and resentment are palpable. The frustrating thing is that I know that there are people who are in worse situations, and I also know that I cannot do anything without My Lord. Still, there is a disconnect. In this prayer time, I feel the pain of looking at my life and finding some major things happening that I do not want.

I sit in the Chapel for some time with all of this. Eventually, a quiet image of Christ’s face comes. He’s covered with dirt, beads of sweat, and blood in different shades of dark and bright red streaking from the Crown of Thorns that has been placed on His head. I am mesmerized by this stunning and intimate image. Looking at my Lord in this image speaks volumes to me without words.

First, I sense Him saying that He’s with me; He’s been where I am, without sin, of course, but still He understands the experience of seeing things happen differently than what one wants, not being able to change things, and watching bad things happen to loved ones. He also understands the pain of accepting that our Father allows certain things to happen for “all righteousness.”

Second, this is a reminder of Who’s in charge. I’ve crowned myself as queen with my pride, expectations, and desires of how life should be. I feel that I deserve ‘my version’ of Easter for all of the Lents that I’ve gone through. In the narrow view of my ‘kingdom,’ I have left out other and perhaps even better possibilities, as well as the plain fact that life is not about me always being happy and things always going my way, but what is best for my growth towards holiness or that of others. As long as I’m queen, there is no room for a King, even one who became nothing for me.

Lastly, I sense that the Lord is saying, “Follow me.” Even in my shortsightedness and complaining, I’m not neglected. I’m humbled, ever so gently, and then invited. The invitation is both spiritual and physical. The invitation is to enter more deeply into this Lenten journey of allowing myself to be stripped of myself: my idols, my desires, my pride…all of the “I wants” and “I don’t wants”. The invitation is to follow Him to the Cross and to enter His Crucifixion with Him. I ask for the grace to do this.

Ironically, this all starts to settle the disquiet that was in my heart. The choice is mine to become unstuck: I can dwell in self-pity and stew in life not being fair, or I can detach myself, allow this all to happen, and follow Him. I can enter the Garden with Jesus and gain the strength from Him to say, “Not my will, but yours,” and offer all that I grip on to so tightly to Him on the Cross in order that my heart and selfishness be stripped, be humbled, and be pierced, for Love.

It’s like a fog is lifted, and I can more clearly see that He is my Shepherd, and I am indeed His sheep that He is leading through this rocky path to acceptance and surrender. I can also see that I was rejecting everything because I didn’t like what was going on. But, by rejecting what has been happening, I’m also rejecting what He has done through the Cross and what He wants to bring about.

In this short time of prayer, my Father speaks to me through His Word, both in Scripture and in His Son. For now, I feel the fear subside as His Love and peace move in. I have a bit more trust and hope knowing that the Lord is the Lord no matter what I see or feel. I am thankful to have a Father who knows and loves me, who hears my prayers, sees my needs…and offers forth His Son to come and save me for eternity and in little moments like this.

Getting Closer to Mary

"Do not be distressed, my littlest son. Am I not here with you who am your Mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection?” These are the words that the Blessed Mother spoke to St. Juan Diego so many years ago. Such comforting words! I find comfort in these words, too, because she has been a mother to me all along. I just didn’t have the eyes to see.

Most of my life Mary and I weren’t really in contact. She was like a very kind neighbor who lived down the street. One whom you would exchange smiles with and occasionally talk to, but one you really didn’t know. I heard great things about her though I just didn’t understand her. I respected her and was thankful for her role in bringing Jesus to us; however, that’s where the connection stopped. I saw her as pure, perfect, beautiful; not characteristics that I would give myself. And, I wasn’t a mother, so I just couldn’t see how I could relate to her. I said the Rosary occasionally but didn’t really get anything out of it. So, she and I remained distant.

Then, one day, it started…the process of getting to know the Blessed Mother. It was definitely a process, at times slow…at other times intense, but she definitely placed herself in my life and wasn’t going anywhere. Our first ‘encounter’ was 3.5 years ago in the Miraculous Medal Chapel in Paris. During the couple hours there, I had a growing sense of wanting to know this mysterious, exceptional woman who poured out graces and lead people to her Son. There weren’t fireworks, just an awe and wonderful curiosity. I bought a bag of Miraculous Medals, had them blessed, and handed them out to a lot of people. It was just something I felt drawn to do. No doubt, something happened that day; I received graces sitting in that Chapel. (http://www.amm.org)

These graces continued to pour into my life. Within a month, a new friend came across my path that loved the Blessed Mother in a deeply personal way, like his own mother. Through his powerful conversion and the delight that he had in speaking about her, I got the opportunity to get to know her as a person. She became real to me, and I wanted to know her more, get to know her as my mother, and what that meant for my life. Later, that same friend, explained Marian Consecration to me. It’s a way to give yourself over to Mary, in the way that Jesus gave Himself to her in order for her to bring you closer to Jesus. It was strange, beautiful, yet intriguing. 

(http://www.marian.org/marians/A-New-Day-Dawns-for-Marian-Consecration-4742)

Not completely certain of what I was getting myself into, I went through with the 33 days of prayer. I found that the journey was very Christ-centered and learned about how Mary protects and strengthens those who are consecrated to her. It was intense, but through it, I was able to see what I had allowed into my life that was getting in the way of living in freedom with Christ. I also felt Mary’s presence. Kind of different, I know, but I also know that I was not alone. It was because of her presence that I grew in courage to allow God to do what He wanted to do. Also of note was how I came to know Mary as encourager, intercessor, companion, and confidant…as a mother figure. Mary knows the concerns, fears, and issues we face being human. Like in the Scripture verses about the Wedding at Cana, Mary sees our need and responds by stepping in and bringing them to Jesus. Then, she instructs us as the waiters, “Do as He tells you.” I could see why she was so important to my friend, to so many Saints… and to Jesus!

Since then, I’ve renewed my consecration twice and have been transformed more each time. I have learned to grow in wisdom and see myself as a daughter to a Loving Father, and I’ve been given the tools to continue the journey growing in purity, humility and obedience…like Mary…all for God. It’s kind of like going through the Joyful Mysteries with her each time…receiving the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to grow within us in a daily Visitation in bringing Him to others, and then bringing Jesus about more, giving birth with her continually, if you will.

She who taught Jesus gentleness, strength, and the supportive, receptive nature of the feminine in humanity, has been given to us to teach us the same so that we can be Marian and bring Christ to a world that is starving for nourishment from so loving a mother. What a Gift indeed!

Finding Humility with the Holy Family

Today, on the Feast of the Holy Family, my mind turns to the 5^th Joyful Mystery of the Rosary: Finding of the Child Jesus in the Temple in Luke 2:41-52

On the way home from a visit to the Temple, well into the journey, Mary and Joseph realize that Jesus is not with them, so they make the trek back to find him, frantic and anxious…as any parent would be. Upon entering the Temple, they find him surrounded by men who are dumbfounded by what he knows. When asked why he caused so much worry, his response is simple-Why wouldn’t he be in his father’s house? Luke then explains that while his parents stand there listening, “…they did not understand what he spoke to them.”

As I reflect on this Gospel, this is the verse that sticks out to me. “They did not understand.” It is so frustrating to find myself in the situation where I do not understand something or someone. It hurts my pride; it’s humiliating.  So, when I come across this verse, I feel myself getting a little frustrated for Mary and Joseph. They are his parents afterall. Of all people, they should be able to understand. Couldn’t God have given them some grace or some sort of code, so that they wouldn’t worry? “Oh yeah,” they could think, “He’s the Son of God, of course.” Then, they could walk in peace knowing that Jesus would be different.

But that’s not how it was to be; it’s not how God wanted it.  It wouldn’t be normal or right for them to have a ‘secret code’ of understanding everything and knowing just what being the Son of God meant or what being his parents would mean. That wasn’t their place. The grace they were given was to be his parents, in very human, ordinary, loving ways. As part of the mystery of the Incarnation, “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us,” and put himself in the humble place of needing humans. Jesus needed human parents who were loving, emotional, and real. He needed to learn how to be a man, how to be part of a family, and the human experience from his mom and dad. It was part of his formation. So, they had to search for him, like so many parents who have lost their children…physically or emotionally.

And their response? The only indication is about Mary, his mother. “And she kept all these things in her heart.” No anger. No resentment. And, really, no mention of anxiety after he was found.  She ponders and sits with it: something here, a truth, was yet to unfold and now was not the time for her to know. Mary, the mother of God, did not know everything, yet she knew all that she needed to know at the time.

I look at this ‘mirror’ that my Father has allowed me to reflect in while sitting with this passage. What does it mean for me when I’m hit with the realization of not understanding the events, path, or people in my life? Mary can teach us so much! If the Mother of God can accept that she is not to understand everything about her Son and all that’s to come and her reaction is to move on, while keeping these events in her heart, then who am I to say that I deserve more?

Peace comes with knowing that despite finding Jesus there was mystery for his own Mother. Mary had puzzles to be unlocked, questions to explore, and events to sit with. There flashes of light or Aha moments. Even in her intimacy with Jesus, she has to let grace enter in and grow in her heart. I am blessed that my Father lead me to this passage. I feel humbled and recognized in where I am. And, I know that the inner prayers of my learning to ponder heart are being heard…even as my Father’s response is, “That’s not for you to know right now.”

A Warm Welcome II

I arrive in Assisi around 10pm. It's cold, bone chilling, especially for this Texan. Two others get off the train, an elegant, older woman and a priest. We miss the bus by 5 minutes, so the woman is calling about a taxi. No answer at any of the numbers. Lack of sleep has caught up to me, so all I can do is just stand there...praying for a taxi to pull up. Finally, thankfully, one does. The woman and priest tell me to get in. They'll share it with me! The taxi drops me off, I go to pay the driver, and the woman points to herself and says, 'No, me. Bounasera!' Wow! 

I walk up the hill to my hotel and walk in. The man behind the desk, calls me by name...then says the words that no one likes to hear.."We have un problemo." Apparently, that day, they lost all heat...no heat in rooms and no hot water. No Bueno. I was really looking forward to staying in this particular hotel, so I thought..here it is, now the tough part starts. But he continues, "but it's no problem...I have a room for you at four star hotel across the way. I take you there in my car right now." This man. He waited for me, I was delayed from even the delayed time that I had already warned them about. All so he could welcome me and take me to the other hotel. The hotel was great, but I was still a little bummed because I had so wanted to stay at the other one. But, then came breakfast. 

To say that I have food issues is an understatement. I have allergies with allergies. When I come to breakfast buffets, there's usually not a lot for me because it's all bread, whole eggs, and fruit that I can't have. But this! This was a feast to behold AND partake in. They had gluten free bread (that I could eat) fruit that was me-friendly, and decaf coffee! It's like they knew I was coming!  I was taking photos of everything! I then found a table with a view of the hills and valley started eating and just laughing. I delighted in that breakfast. What a gift!

I feel loved and welcomed. The Lord has brought little things here and there and dear people with beautiful hearts to ensure that I'm taking care of and feel it, and this is just the first 24 hours. And, this type of hospitality has the hands of a mother all over it. I can't help but feel like Elizabeth in the Gospel of Luke at the Visitation, "Who am I that the mother of my Lord should come and visit me!?" I'm reminded that I don't always allow people to do things for me. I often prefer to do things myself and can get caught up in that. Then, there are those times that I expect things from others or from God. So really, how often have I allowed the Lord to care for me AND embraced it enough to cherish it? I'm sure He has some things that He wants to talk about while I'm here, but for now, I welcome, enjoy, and praise Him for this outpouring of generosity and undeserved love, which has brought me so much peace and grace.

A Warm Welcome Part I

"He will rejoice over you with gladness and renew you in his love" Zeph. 3:14-18

The Lord has called me to go to Assisi, Italy. He set it up and provided the means to go. He made me an offer I couldn't refuse, so here I am. Before embarking on this adventure, I didn't know what to expect. The entire month up to the weekend before I left had been CRAZY...really the past 6 months have just been out of whack, although they were also filled with much grace and healing. So as per usual, things pick up in the drama category before I'm about to go on a pilgrimage. Now, to explain, this is different from getting ready to go on a trip. Things can be stressful running errands, taking care of last minute details, etc, but this kind of drama hits you in a different place. It strikes you in your heart. I was feeling personally unsuccessful and out of sorts spiritually. All that and the fact that the Lord basically put this getaway together, had me preparing myself for some sort of surgery. However, day one comes and hits me in a different way, a pleasantly peaceful different way.

I'm struck by how personal our Lord is. We all talk about His love and that He loves us, but He loves me...and you...not just the whole lot of us...each of us. He knows each of us, our hearts, desires, and what makes us smile...what we delight in. He's the ultimate Lover, in the most honorable, intimate form of the word.

Have you ever visited someone's home and felt as if they knew you were coming? Like they bought your favorite cereal, or knew that you drank only decaf coffee. They went out of their way to make sure you were comfortable and felt special. As my Host for this adventure, The Lords has done likewise. 

It started in Rome. I had set up guides through one friend, but it didn't work out. The Lord had other plans. He worked through a priest friend to connect me with one of his priest friends to meet and guide me for the afternoon. As soon as we met up, he handed me an umbrella because it was supposed to rain and a bus ticket. Then he switched backpacks with me because I had my heavy hiking backpack. (I was supposed to be the one getting doing/things for him because he was offering his time!)  He took time out of his day to walk me to St. Peter's, the fountains, everywhere, asked questions for me, and really took the time to personalize the 'tour.' We had easy conversation, and it all made me feel like I was welcome. At the end of the day, he made I sure that I got to the right train to take to Assisi. 

Going Away to Find God: What I Did on My Religiously-themed Summer Vacation

Earlier this summer, I went with my husband and two friends to Europe for two weeks visiting Paris, Lourdes, and Assisi. Each city had it’s own challenges, beauty, and joys, which I will explore over the next couple of entries. Today, however, I would like to spend time on the journey that is pilgrimage.

When I spoke about going away, a friend corrected my use of the word ‘pilgrimage.’ “Don’t you mean ‘religiously themed vacation?” He joked. It’s a fair question, though. What is a pilgrimage? Is a pilgrimage just a vacation with religious overtones? In my answer to my friend, I strived to provide a definition that explained a pilgrimage as a trip away that involved growth, struggle, frustration, but I’ve had plenty of vacations where I lost my luggage, been delayed, argued with my travel companions, and walked many miles. Another attempt was that to explain that a pilgrimage included a lot of prayer. Then again, there have been vacations where I visited Churches and prayed in the pews. The line between vacation and pilgrimage may indeed be thin, so why is there a differentiation? Does there need to be? Is a pilgrimage defined by what happens to you or by what your purpose is in going? Is it defined by where you go or who you are with?

Another question was brought up when I returned. After asking questions about my time away and listening to my various adventures, a priest friend explained that he didn’t believe in going all across the globe to find God. He said that God was in his heart and that he could speak with Him in prayer, especially at Mass and in the Adoration Chapel, which were closer and less expensive. This is also a valid point. Do you have to go away to find God? Many times, I’ve prayed right in my chair or read a section of Scripture and heard God speak to me. How does going away change that?

I think the answer to all these questions lies in purpose.  God loves us and can speak to us no matter where are, but I do think that there are times that we are more open than others. Typically, pilgrimage combines physical, spiritual, and emotional elements into prayer.  So, I think pilgrimage is an extended metaphor about the journey of life that we are on; therefore, I think you can have a vacation that has pilgrimage components, and a pilgrimage that includes vacation moments and fun times. I also think that any day, every day, one can have a pilgrimage.

Am I going away or going away to be with God?

You can be with God at any time, but is what you’re doing or how you are living pursing God, specifically? This, to me, is what it means to be on or go on pilgrimage. (And, how I am learning to live.)  Thomas Merton said, “The geographical pilgrimage is the symbolic acting out an inner journey. The inner journey is the interpolation of the meanings and signs of the outer pilgrimage. One can have one without the other. It is best to have both.”

By living and going away with this mindset, we are giving God permission to use the time to work on our hearts, relationship, or whatever He wants to. It is a practice of surrender and faith. This can take place by walking for miles in the footsteps of other pilgrims, some even Saints who walked before us, or it may mean to stop and pray where they prayed and ask for them to pray for us. Pilgrimage can be a school for prayer and virtue.

It is praying in old Churches, taking in the beautiful paintings and architecture and allowing them to lift our eyes and hearts upwards to God. I think this can also happen while stopping at a gelato shop to sit and take in all of the beauty and wonder of creation that lies before you, in sharing laughter, meeting new people and trying out new languages and foods, talking to strangers about your faith, Jesus and Mary, washing your clothes in the sink, and even getting on each other’s nerves. It’s getting lost and allowing yourself to see life from other’s perspectives. When you purposefully take on a pilgrimage, all can be used as fodder. This can happen hiking up a mountain or going to the grocery store. I like to think of it as taking a class field trip with Jesus as our Teacher and Him setting up each interaction, frustration, moment of peace and joy to help us to learn how to listen to our Father or to learn something about Him or ourselves.

You don’t have to go away to find God, but sometimes you have to go away to let God find you. For me, that happened while I received the Eucharist in elaborate Cathedrals, was sitting in a Chapel in Paris in front of an incorruptible Saint next to a chair where Mary sat, while prayerfully and tearfully walking through the Stations of the Cross in Lourdes, and examining with my fellow pilgrims the valley atop Assisi at sunset. Because I was in a different location spiritually and physically, these places and in the conversations along the way was when, Jesus, the Gardener, broke up some of the huge, hard chunks of old soil in my heart and spoke to me, so He could show me what needed to be healed, His immense mercy, and the tremendous Love of the Father. No matter how the pilgrimage takes place, the task of the pilgrim upon return, is continue to allow Jesus to teach us what all that meant and how to live out what He sought to change in us on the journey.