Cooperating with Grace

Recently, I had to undergo an endoscopy because of chest pain I was experiencing. In discussion afterwards, the specialist explained that there was a great deal of inflammation present in my esophagus causing it to constrict, so she had to stretch my esophagus. She prescribed a liquid to take in order to coat my esophagus and another to help reduce acid production.

In the following days, to my disappointment, I still had pain, even worse than before. One day, as I took my GERD medicine, I noticed that it had a sticker that read, “Not for immediate relief.” It was then that I realized that even though the doctor had found an issue and been able to do something about it, the damage had been done. Damage that would take time to heal by taking the medicine and watching what I eat, every day, little by little.

And, so it is with us and sin. Within each of us, over time, due to various decisions or life events, certain sins can build up and become an issue. Sometimes, this is due to a root sin that has been allowed in over time. This root sin can become part of our daily habits, cloud our vision and our thinking, and affect the way we treat others. Whichever sin it is, it can take over, subtly, until eventually; it rears its ugly head (which I think can be a gift; I’ll explain in a bit) and must be dealt with.

You can fill in the blank with your personal issue(s). For me, it is pride. It gets me every time. For some time now, the Father has been working on this within me. Like a good Physician, he’s diagnosed the problem, brought it to my attention, and has offered medication. So, why oh why, must I still struggle with pride?

I think it’s similar to my esophagus issue: the damage has been done. There is heart burn on my soul. My thoughts and heart are used to things being a certain way. Why doesn’t he just take it away? Then, I would be happy and free! Well, not exactly. If he took sin away, then we would not be able to choose freely.  It took time to get here; it’s going to take time to heal. So, how does this happen? I have to take my medicine and, literally, swallow my pride by practicing humility every day. EVERY DAY, I have to take the medicine that is not for immediate relief because it’s become almost ‘natural’ for me be automatically prideful in my reactions, thoughts, and words. These habits must be reordered.

It is a gift when our Father brings issues up within us. No, it doesn’t always feel like it. Actually, it can be painful. But, it is such a beautiful thing! If he didn’t, it would mean that he didn’t care, and that is so not true. He wants to spend eternity with us and utilize us to share his love with others while we are here on earth. We cannot do that when sin clouds our view and makes us look at ourselves instead of others in need or at him. Indeed, it is through his grace that he shows us what is going on and offers us the opportunity to heal and overcome sin. I say ‘opportunity’ because that’s what it is. He will not force it, but if we want what he wants and to follow him, then we must strive for holiness. Through grace, he extends his hand and allows us the freedom to accept it. Then, through grace, we cooperate in the process. He points out the sin or issue, mercifully offers forgiveness, and then stretches us through situations that could trigger something in us, but are meant to actually allow us to practice living virtuously. We choose, then, what to do at that point.

AND, since our Father offers us so much during this time, we are given cause to thank and praise him because he is the Father who loves MUCH, unconditionally, and is the Father of second chances. In those times that I don’t feel like praising, I try to offer it as a sacrifice until I fully realize (or at least see better) what glorious things he has done.

Over time, my esophagus will heal. Before then, there will be pain and it may even need to be stretched again. One day, pride will not be so much a part of me, and I will be living more closely according to who I was created to be. Until then, there will be struggle and pain, but I, through humility, allow him to grow me, beg his forgiveness and ask for his grace and wisdom to continually, every day, guide me in practicing to be holy.

Trusting in the Slow Work of God

Yesterday during a walk on retreat, I was reflecting on leaves. They have a season of changing. Wind, storms, rain, and birds come and knock into them, bit if they stay, and it can’t be easy to hang on, they continue changing color. Even though this indicates death, the more they change, the more beautiful they become.

If Christ is the vine and we are the branches, then we, too, must have seasons of change. Our ‘leaves’ must change, fall off, and die. I think the change in color: deeper purple, red, orange, is the Father’s Love, that is Christ’s blood, flowing more so to us, indicating that when we are in the most pain, he is there all the more.

Seasons have cycles, so this changing takes place over and over again, meaning, that Christ is still connected to us and our lives are bearing fruit for him. Each time our leaves change, it is a shedding of ourselves, which is painful and scary, but with Christ as our trunk, he will have a steady hold on us on through to the time that we are bare.

We cannot force the change or speed it up. We can’t stop it. We can; however, allow it to stretch us, or we we can cut ourselves off of the Source of life, which would be a greater, even sadder death. So, it seems that it’s best that we hang on during this time and let this shedding happen. We cannot be sure of what lies ahead, but we can be sure that there will be new leaves, a new springtime of the Father’s Love and a Resurrection will take place within us revealing new leaves and a new layer of self revealed to show and receive his love in a whole new way.

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time

Don’t try to force them on...

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

Teilhard de Chardin

Our Father Indeed

Throughout my life, I would say that Jesus and I were pretty close…at times more so than others. But, just a couple of years ago I received the beautiful gift of realizing a tangible relationship with God, the Father.

Before that, I had a divided, broken heart. I had been in physical pain, suffered from anxiety, and a mysterious, undiagnosed illness for many years but specifically for 8 years. I went to several doctors and through countless tests and various medications, only to find myself a little better for a bit and then getting sick again. This all affected my marriage, my social life, and my spiritual life. I went through times of strength and times of crying and begging for answer.

My heart was divided because I knew God was there. He was answering prayers for and guiding me in so many ways. However, when it came to my health…there was nothing. It was a huge rift between God and me because I felt he was neglecting a huge part of me. I just couldn’t give myself over to him entirely. Did he even care?

Then, one day I was crying in desperation in the Chapel in front of the Monstrance. Through prayer, I sensed that Jesus was asking me if I trusted him. Of course…would I be here if I didn’t?! I actually heard him ask this three times. Nothing else, just if I trusted him. After some reflection, two things came to mind…1. I loved Jesus, but did I trust him? Love and trust are connected. If he was loveable, then he was trustworthy…with all of my life. 2. This was an opportunity for a new relationship with God.

And, indeed, it was. As I kept reaching for God, I connected my suffering with Christ’s, drawing strength, but it was as if he was leading me to God, the Father, saying, you can trust my Father. He loves you. So, Jesus very definitely introduced me to his Father. I came across Scripture like, “I can count the hairs on your head” and “I know the plans I have for you. Plans for hope and not for woe.” They really spoke to me as a Father who wanted to get to know me. This happened for some time while I still prayed for healing…with a little bit more hope.

After a couple of years, (this was 2011) I was in the ER after a sleepless night of pain. In the follow-up with my doctor, she explained how everything had been done…scopes, scans, biopsies, etc. There was something else for us to consider. I took it to heart and went home. A few days later, I was at our Bible Study for college students where my friend was leading us in reflection on a Scripture passage about Jesus coming to the shore feeling pity for and healing those who were sick. While he read it 3 times, I clearly heard, “I will heal you.” I was stunned! I had never heard anything about healing. Ever! I took this to prayer at my friend’s urging, and decided to take a literal path by looking into the thought my doctor had mentioned. I found a couple of sites and the symptoms matched. So, I prayed for a doctor. When I clicked on specialists, there was one in my area. So, I prayed for guidance that if this was the doctor to see, I would be a candidate and see him. I prepared my file and mailed it in.

Three weeks later, I had an appointment. Within 10 minutes, the doctor knew exactly what was going on and how to fix it. “You’ve been in pain for too many years. Let’s fix this.” I think that was the first time that I felt the Father’s embrace. Leaving that office, it was like he was holding me close and saying, “I’m here. It’s going to be ok.” Three weeks after that, I had surgery. It was several hours long and I had to stay overnight. Once I got home, my husband explained to me what they did and showed me photos. I lost it. It hit me. He really heard me and did what he said he would do! I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief and love. Within just a few months of hearing those words I WILL HEAL YOU, I no longer had pain and was completely free of anxiety. I was in his arms!

It was an incredible experience of being embraced by immense love. For me, He was my Father and I was his little girl and my Daddy was making everything ok. More incredible than the physical healing was the healing of my heart. The Father does love me and I can trust him, too! He was there all along. I just had to let him heal me in his time and his way. My life is not perfect, but this new relationship and this beautiful gift of faith that he had given me has completely changed my life and the way I view the world and people around me.

 

Once I was asked that if I could only use one sentence in order to communicate to everyone and only one sentence, what would it be? Here it is: Our Father adores you, is faithful, and will do anything to get you to know that.

How How has the Father Been a Dad to Me?

It's one thing to be a father and have a child. It's a whole other venture to raise and care for a child. Our Father and Creator has not only brought me into being, but he's also cared for me. One way he's cared for me is in how he's taught me that he will never leave me, and that I can count on him. In my life, he taught me this in a powerful way at an early age.

When I was about eight years old, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. This diagnosis came as a shock to my tender, young brain. All I remember is her tripping in the middle of the night one night, limping for a week, and then having to be in the hospital for tests. Then, suddenly, my brother and I were told that she had a brain tumor. When he told us the news, I went up to my dad and asked urgently, "What does that mean?!"

"It means that she's going to die," he explained. My young mind was spinning.

Throughout the next year, her health declined, she became paralyzed on one side of her body, and stayed in the hospital most of the time. Eventually, she fell into a coma and stopped breathing in and my life is changed forever. The story doesn't end there. As terrifying as this time was for me, it was also a time rich with love and meaning. Although I never would've asked for it, got our Father used this moment in my life as a classroom to instruct me in his power, love, and mercy. The most powerful statement that he has spoken to us is that of love to sacrifice and suffering…the suffering of his Son. So, we would be misguided if we were to believe that the same would not happen to us; it would also be unfortunate if we didn't allow him to speak to us in those moments, even the years later.

Our Father let his power flow through into my family. Through my own dad I could see the Father’s strength. I saw this in the steadfast way he stood by my mother and did everything that he could to be present to my brother and me. Also, my mother was a strong woman and didn't give up without a fight. From the get-go, she showed an amazing resolve. She had cancer, but it didn't have her or define her. She was stronger and so much more than the disease. I feel like this is how the Father is, like he's saying to all of us, "Don't let your struggles define you. I'm bigger and more powerful than anything you could go through." Even with her passing away, I believe this because the cancer didn’t win; the Father just wanted to give her more than this world could offer in only the way that he could.

Into the agony of this garden, our Father poured so much love on our family. My mom’s family came in and stayed with us; my dad's family offered support; friends brought food and sent flowers; so many prayed for us. Prayer became part of our household, too. I think we prayed more during that time than we ever did as a family before. So much love was visible between my parents. They clung to each other. Through them, he taught me what married love looked like and showed me the love he has for us. I got the chance to get to know family members in a way that I never would have had the opportunity to because they all took the time to visit and cared for me by checking on me, distracting me through outings, and watching me when my dad had to work or be with my mom. The Father's love kept my family together during the journey of my mom’s illness as well after when my mom passed away. It was as if the entire time, the Father was embracing us through each other.

Through it all, the Father showed his mercy. He was merciful to my mom and her pain and was merciful to us who remained. Within each Cross is Resurrection for each of us. He brought new life to our family when he brought a woman with a beautiful heart to my dad that he could share his life with. I got the gift of another mom, not a new mom as her placement, but a mom who had always wanted a daughter and the mom that this daughter needed. Plus, I gained two older brothers to love and protect me…which eventually lead to even more family when they had children.

As I look back and see the work of the hands of our Father, I can see it all as a gift.  I would not be the person I am today without all that the Father has done. As Mary sang in her Magnificat, “The Mighty One has done great things for me and holy is his name.” Not everyone gets to see and experience the fullness of our Father's love in this life, but as the ultimate Teacher, he has taught me that suffering is part of this life, not something that he’s done to us. But he’s also made it clear that no matter how old I am, he will always walk next me, so all I need to do is reach out my hand, and he will take it. Our Father is not some distant being, but a caring, loving, powerful dad that gets into the messes of our lives with us. We can always turn to him because he will always be there for us, just like loving Daddy should be.

Enduring Freedom

 On 4^th of July vacation, my husband and I went for a hike. Well, when I say ‘went,’ I mean that we attempted to.  I had found a 7mile trail that looked beautiful in the photos. We arrived at one of the entrances and embarked on our journey. It was a beautiful morning and unseasonably cool, so I was pleased with this decision enjoying time together among God’s creation.

I got to thinking, as I do sometimes. Walking and hiking are perfect fodder for explanations about life and our relationship with our Father. We are on a path; He is guiding, etc. Then, as I was lost in thought, I noticed that the trail looked different, and my husband looked confused. Somehow, we had made a wrong turn and ended up in the dried up riverbank. Thus began our frustrating two-hour episode of trying to figure out where we were, where we were supposed to be, and how we should get there.

I had to laugh. Truly this was a metaphor in action, but it was somewhat difficult to process. Why would a loving Father allow us to get lost? A few reasons come to mind for Him allowing this to happen in life. One, is that He allows us to practice our freedom, even knowing that we might get lost, get hurt, or walk away. How wild is it that He is willing to risk that we would go away from Him in order for us to practice our freedom! Second, we learn more about ourselves and what our strengths and weaknesses are when we struggle. Third, sometimes, we need to learn how to work things out, with Him as a ‘silent’ guide. No matter what, He’s always there.

This is tough, though. I’m not trying to water it down. It takes endurance, patience, and persistence. We don’t always have these characteristics, so we have to learn them. The only way to learn these is to practice them. It’s annoying to be lost or confused. It’s frustrating to be where we don’t want to be in life. Can’t we just get there already?!

Maybe ‘there’ is not the point, but the ‘get.’ Could the inner turmoil, anger, and anxiety be helpful for our journey? Could He allow these? Perhaps, He’s trying to teach us…help us be vulnerable, grow in humility, grow our listening skills, help us to think or look at something differently, or maybe put us on our knees, so we will pray more…talk to Him.

A deeper question might be, “How are we handling instances in life that we cannot change?” Scripture is full of people’s stories who’ve endured. Two that come to mind are Sarah in the story of Sarah and Tobiah and Elizabeth and Zechariah. Both of these situations are very difficult for the people involved. Sarah had lost seven husbands by the time Tobiah came along. Elizabeth and Zechariah had to deal with the shame (of the time) of not being able to conceive a child. Is it fair that Sarah had to go through the deaths of seven men and be deemed unmarriable? Is it right that Elizabeth could not have a child when she really wanted to? Our Father’s ways don’t always seem fair or right, but they are always done with love. He’s concerned about our well-being and hears our everyday prayers, but what He wants most of all is our hearts and for us to be with Him for eternity. For these, He will do almost anything to get us there.

These stories are not just from a book; they are from THE Book and are our stories, too. In both situations, God intervened, eventually. He sent a messenger and brought great joy. Our Father is telling us that He can bring joy to our sorrows, too. In both, the people are resurrected: Sarah, cursed and unmarriable becomes a wife; Elizabeth, the unbarren wife becomes a mother. Both stories speak of rejoicing: a wedding feast and new life. Ultimately, this is what our Father is preparing us for.

In our hiking story, He sent someone, too! We finally ‘ran into’ another hiker who pointed us in the right direction. We looked at where we had been, and we embarrassingly found out that after 3 hours, we barely made it through the path. After we got back to the car, we agreed that it was not what we had planned, but that it was definitely an adventure. In hindsight, yes, it caused frustration, a bruised knee and bruised egos, but through us getting lost, we had to communicate and depend on each other…and laugh. The situation was an opportunity to get over ourselves.

So, how do we handle what we cannot change? We are free to choose how we do so. We could get angry and stay there becoming bitter and blaming God, or we could get angry and then get over it allowing our Father to do His work in us in the way that He sees fit.  After all, this is what Christ did, and He’s the best guide when comes to this path. We can allow times of loss and frustration to overcome us or become an opportunity for the Father to work through us to overcome.