In prayer this morning I come across, “The Lord is my Shepherd; there is nothing I shall want.” This
normally peaceful verse doesn’t bring peace but brings up sadness, frustration,
and even doubt. It hits my heart very differently today. “Is that true?” I ask
myself. “Do I really believe that?” After
I sit with this verse some more, I realize that the doubt comes today because
while I have been blessed, I find myself wondering where He will lead me. Will
I want to go there? What will the journey be like? I don’t particularly
like some parts of my life right now…partly because of my own choices, partly because
of His leading. He’s lead me to walk away and leave things behind, despite my
feelings or what’s in my heart, so I’m hesitant to trust Him and kind of feel
stuck.
“There is nothing shall I
want…” I want to want this to be true. I want to be able to say to the
Lord, “You are all I want. You are enough. I only want to do your will; I don’t
want anything or anyone else.” However,
I do want. I want things to be different in my life, in the lives of loved
ones, and in some relationships. I want to go back in time and change things,
say things differently, and stop things from happening. The regret and
resentment are palpable. The frustrating thing is that I know that there
are people who are in worse situations, and I also know that I cannot do
anything without My Lord. Still, there is a disconnect. In this prayer time, I
feel the pain of looking at my life and finding some major things happening
that I do not want.
I sit in the Chapel for some time with all of this. Eventually, a quiet image of Christ’s face comes.
He’s covered with dirt, beads of sweat, and blood in different shades of dark
and bright red streaking from the Crown of Thorns that has been placed on His
head. I am mesmerized by this stunning and intimate image. Looking at my
Lord in this image speaks volumes to me without words.
First, I sense Him saying that He’s with me; He’s been where I am, without sin, of course, but
still He understands the experience of seeing things happen differently than
what one wants, not being able to change things, and watching bad things happen
to loved ones. He also understands the pain of accepting that our Father allows
certain things to happen for “all righteousness.”
Second, this is a reminder of Who’s in charge. I’ve crowned myself as queen with my pride,
expectations, and desires of how life should be. I feel that I deserve ‘my
version’ of Easter for all of the Lents that I’ve gone through. In the narrow
view of my ‘kingdom,’ I have left out other and perhaps even better possibilities,
as well as the plain fact that life is not about me always being happy and
things always going my way, but what is best for my growth towards holiness or
that of others. As long as I’m queen,
there is no room for a King, even one who became nothing for me.
Lastly, I sense that the
Lord is saying, “Follow me.” Even in my shortsightedness and complaining,
I’m not neglected. I’m humbled, ever so gently, and then invited. The
invitation is both spiritual and physical. The
invitation is to enter more deeply into this Lenten journey of allowing myself
to be stripped of myself: my idols, my desires, my pride…all of the “I wants”
and “I don’t wants”. The invitation is to follow Him to the Cross and to enter
His Crucifixion with Him. I ask for the grace to do this.
Ironically, this all starts to settle the disquiet that was in
my heart. The choice is mine to become
unstuck: I can dwell in self-pity and stew in life not being fair, or I can
detach myself, allow this all to happen, and follow Him. I can enter the Garden with Jesus and gain the strength from Him to
say, “Not my will, but yours,” and offer all that I grip on to so tightly to
Him on the Cross in order that my heart and selfishness be stripped, be
humbled, and be pierced, for Love.
It’s like a fog is lifted,
and I can more clearly see that He is my Shepherd, and I am indeed His sheep
that He is leading through this rocky path to acceptance and surrender. I can also
see that I was rejecting everything because I didn’t like what was going on. But,
by rejecting what has been happening, I’m also rejecting what He has done
through the Cross and what He wants to bring about.
In this short time of prayer, my Father speaks to me through
His Word, both in Scripture and in His Son. For now, I feel the fear subside as
His Love and peace move in. I have a bit more trust and hope knowing that the
Lord is the Lord no matter what I see or feel. I am thankful to have a Father who knows and loves me, who hears my
prayers, sees my needs…and offers forth His Son to come and save me for
eternity and in little moments like this.
