Throughout my life, I would say
that Jesus and I were pretty close…at times more so than others. But, just a couple of years ago I received the
beautiful gift of realizing a tangible relationship with God, the Father.
Before
that, I had a divided, broken heart. I had been
in physical pain, suffered from anxiety, and a mysterious, undiagnosed illness
for many years but specifically for 8 years. I went to several doctors and
through countless tests and various medications, only to find myself a little
better for a bit and then getting sick again. This all affected my marriage, my social life, and my spiritual life.
I went through times of strength and times of crying and begging for answer.
My heart was divided because I
knew God was there. He was answering prayers for and guiding me in so many ways.
However, when it came to my health…there was nothing. It was a huge rift between God and me because I felt he was neglecting
a huge part of me. I just couldn’t give myself over to him entirely. Did he
even care?
Then, one day I was crying in
desperation in the Chapel in front of the Monstrance. Through prayer, I sensed
that Jesus was asking me if I trusted him. Of course…would I be here if I
didn’t?! I actually heard him ask this three times. Nothing else, just if I
trusted him. After some reflection, two things came to mind…1. I loved Jesus,
but did I trust him? Love and trust are
connected. If he was loveable, then he was trustworthy…with all of my life.
2. This was an opportunity for a new relationship with God.
And, indeed, it was. As I kept
reaching for God, I connected my suffering with Christ’s, drawing strength, but
it was as if he was leading me to God,
the Father, saying, you can trust my Father. He loves you. So, Jesus very
definitely introduced me to his Father. I came across Scripture like, “I can
count the hairs on your head” and “I know the plans I have for you. Plans for
hope and not for woe.” They really spoke to me as a Father who wanted to get to
know me. This happened for some time while I still prayed for healing…with a
little bit more hope.
After a couple of years, (this
was 2011) I was in the ER after a sleepless night of pain. In the follow-up
with my doctor, she explained how everything had been done…scopes, scans,
biopsies, etc. There was something else for us to consider. I took it to heart
and went home. A few days later, I was at our Bible Study for college students where
my friend was leading us in reflection on a Scripture passage about Jesus coming
to the shore feeling pity for and healing those who were sick. While he read it 3 times, I clearly heard,
“I will heal you.” I was stunned! I had never heard anything about healing.
Ever! I took this to prayer at my friend’s urging, and decided to take a
literal path by looking into the thought my doctor had mentioned. I found a
couple of sites and the symptoms matched. So, I prayed for a doctor. When I
clicked on specialists, there was one in my area. So, I prayed for guidance
that if this was the doctor to see, I would be a candidate and see him. I
prepared my file and mailed it in.
Three weeks later, I had an
appointment. Within 10 minutes, the doctor knew exactly what was going on and
how to fix it. “You’ve been in pain for
too many years. Let’s fix this.” I think that was the first time that I felt
the Father’s embrace. Leaving that office, it was like he was holding me close
and saying, “I’m here. It’s going to be ok.” Three weeks after that, I had
surgery. It was several hours long and I had to stay overnight. Once I got
home, my husband explained to me what they did and showed me photos. I lost it.
It hit me. He really heard me and did what he said he would do! I felt an
overwhelming feeling of relief and love.
Within just a few months of hearing those words I WILL HEAL YOU, I no longer
had pain and was completely free of anxiety. I was in his arms!
It was an incredible experience
of being embraced by immense love. For
me, He was my Father and I was his little girl and my Daddy was making
everything ok. More incredible than the physical healing was the healing of my
heart. The Father does love me and I can trust him, too! He was there all
along. I just had to let him heal me in his time and his way. My life is not
perfect, but this new relationship and this beautiful gift of faith that he had
given me has completely changed my life and the way I view the world and people
around me.
